GROWING UP TAYLOR

Hello, my name is Taylor and I am a coward.
I know this because I have spent a great many days of my life running from things. People, places, opportunities, situations. You name it, I have probably avoided it.
I can tell you about my childhood and all the things about me that have caused this character-trait. I could even lay on a white sofa and let you analyze me. But it's not worth it because it won't change everything I have or haven't done. Truth be told, I had a very flourishing and wholesome childhood and my family is a blessing I often times take for granted.
But they're not why I have such an issue with turning away from things.
I honestly don't know what is the reason for why I am the way I am, I just... am.
It's the same song and dance:
 - Meet friend
 - Leech onto friend
 - Have one disagreement with friend
 - Never speak to friend again
As you can see, I am quite ridiculous. And as a disclaimer this isn't some portal of pity  but a declaration that I know what my issues are and I'm slowly trying to work through them in private and in public.
You see, I have loved and lost so many times in my life. Both with friends and boyfriends. It's usually an infatuation or a fascination, but when it happens, it is strong and overwhelming and sometimes, all-consuming. I guess these can be great traits, but I set the bar so high for everyone I meet that I also set them up for failure. The sad part is that it wasn't until recently that I discovered this. And I feel that it's too late to mend things I have done in the past that are unchangeable.
 People that I have ended relations with sincerely hate me. I mean it. Hate. Yes, it's a strong word, but it is what it is. They are fake and callous and hateful. But I really don't blame them because I am the same way to them. I'm resentful, embarrassed, and annoyed.
When a situation goes the least bit south, I am out of there and there is no stopping me. I can't pretend that I haven't been done wrong because my Momma will tell you I sure have. But let's be honest, not everything is a one-way street.
Only two people in my life have solidly stuck with me through arguments, weeks of not speaking, and childish acts that should only occur on a playground. They love me for me and they know all my flaws and accept them. I do them wrong endlessly; ditch them, don't call, forget their birthday. But they still stick around and although I take them for granted, it's the darkest times of the night and the most shadowy times of the afternoon that I am reminded that they are always there and will never leave me. They know I still compare every boy that shows the vaguest interest in me to that boy that broke my heart into pieces years ago. They know that I'm so insecure and scared that it paralyzes me at times. They know that I would rather stay in and watch a movie than go out and party on my twenty-first birthday and they go buy the jiffy pop. They are lovely and wonderful and I tell them that all the time because they deserve to be told.
What I'm trying to say is that I am ready to accept that I have a lot of things to work on. I need to let go of those people, places, opportunities, and situations that I pressed out of my life and make way for new ones. I need to accept that not everyone is who I want them to be and that I need to just get over that. I also need to stop comparing my life and dreams and success to others' because I will never be happy if I continue down that trail. I'm also saying that I don't know if I will be placing myself in many social situations because I want to be the most me I need to be before I bring more people into my life. If I need to focus on my career goals and family and finally growing up then that's what I need to do. I have to stop worrying about everyone else all the time and then I believe that I will finally let people in and embrace them the way they should be embraced: With a full heart and a quiet spirit.